10 Jul 2008
Ordinarily, I do not go along with conspiracy theories. Most are concocted by people who do not have anything else to do. However, there are a few exceptions to this. I have discovered a dreadful conspiracy that defies explanation.
It all came to a head one day last week. Something happened and I truly dreaded going home knowing what awaited me. I did go home and as soon as I walked in to the house, the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage greeted me.
"What happened to your nose?" She shrieked as she looked at my face.
I did try to conceal the evidence as much as possible but you cannot get anything passed my wife. She possesses x-ray vision. She knows exactly what I'm thinking... or better yet… what I'm not thinking. However, you cannot hide your nose when it is in the middle of your face.
She re-emphasized her inquiry and I mumbled something hoping to put her off. It did not work and she asked the question for the third time. I know the rule, three strikes and you're out, so I had to step up to the plate and hit the ball.
As calmly as I could I said, "I ran into a door."
"I ran into a door."
"You ran into a door? What kind of a person runs into a door?"
In all honesty, it really was not my fault. I was simply a victim of a cruel tyranny that I call Great Expectations. Let me lay out the facts and you be the judge.
I began last Tuesday like I begin every day, running just a little bit late. Have you ever noticed that when you begin your day late you can never catch up? It seems that the hurrier you go the behinder you get.
I had planned to do all of my errands Tuesday morning and get them over with on the same day. With the price of gas these days, it makes sense to bundle your chores together so that you are not making needless trips across town. So, I planned on Tuesday to get all of my errands done necessitating driving across town.
It began very simply but I noticed that the hurrier I went the later I became. In order to catch up I put everything into high gear.
One of the great inventions of our day is the automatic door opener. I am not sure who invented this but I would like to take my hat off, if I ever wore one, and salute him for an ingenious invention. This saves quite a bit of time for the person who is in a hurry and especially for the person who is carrying something in both hands.
Being in a hurry on Tuesday I was rather grateful for all of those automatic doors. I noticed about midmorning but I was no longer falling behind. I was not catching up but I was not falling behind, which was a great improvement from the beginning of the day. Then I did something rather stupid.
I congratulated myself on getting things accomplished without any interruptions. This is always a foolish thing to do, especially if you mention it audibly because somebody is listening. Obviously, I said something that someone overheard. Suddenly, this whole Great Expectations Tyranny kicked into full operational mode.
The best thing to do when everything is going like clockwork is never mentioned it. Personally, I don't believe in jinxes, but then again, why take needless chances?
Foolishly, I thought I would get my errands done approximately on time and that I could have the satisfaction of accomplishing by to do list for the day and head for home.
I am not quite sure how many automatic doors I went through that day, I was in too much of a hurry to count them. But I do know as a matter of fact, not all the doors opened automatically.
And this is the conspiracy before us. Either there should be a law somewhere that says that all doors should open automatically or no doors should open automatically. There is nothing more disturbing to me, not to mention hurtful, then to approach a huge glass door expecting it to open automatically and it doesn't.
I wasn't paying much attention, I grant you, and I was down to my last errand for the morning and walked as fast as I possibly could towards those large glass door fully expecting it to act like the other glass doors I went through that day only to find out this was not an automatic door.
I am not sure which hurts more, my face plowing into a glass door or noticing the people around me are laughing because I walked into a glass door. At the time, I suppose the humiliation aspect was more damaging but then I had to deal with a nose out of joint. A handkerchief can only hold so much blood, which is why God gave us neckties.
I thought the worst in the past until I told my sad story to my wife. Is a spouse laughing hysterically at you grounds for divorce or murder?
As I nursed my nose, I thought of some Scripture. "Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." (1 Corinthians 10:12 KJV).
Any expectations I have of myself will eventually let me down but all expectations from God will never fail.
Rev. James L. Snyder