29 Jun 2013
Nobody can say I did not warn the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage, for all the good my warning did. I am not one to say, "I told you so," but "I told you so."
I swear, at times I think my wife thinks I do not want to do something simply because I am too lazy. Nine times out of 10 it may be true, but what about that tenth time?
What women need to understand is when their husband does not do something; there may be a good, logical reason behind it. The problem men have is articulating their perfectly good and logical reason to their better half. Trust me on this one, ladies.
There are excellent reasons your husband does not always do what you request of him. I wish someone would explain this to my wife. It is just hard for us to explain it in terms women can understand.
Last week, for example, my wife made a request of me. She said, "Honey ..."
Whenever my wife begins a sentence with "Honey," I know I am in for a sticky situation.
Honey comes from bees and whenever she so addresses me, I know I be in trouble, and you can be sure there is a stinger in it for me - somewhere.
My wife was looking out the window with her arms folded, which means she is thinking about some job around the house for Yours Truly. Then she said, "Honey, don't you think you should wash the car?"
If I live to be a hundred that thought never crossed my mind. Do you know how much trouble it is to wash my car?
Then, it never fails to rain right after I wash the car and have to wash it all over again.
That was on Tuesday and I said to my wife, "You know, Dear," whenever a husband so addresses his wife, it always means he is trying to find some way out of doing her request, while making it sound like he wants to do it.
I said, "You know, Dear, it's a wonderful idea but it looks like it might rain." The key to this point is to put on a grimace and look up in the sky, in a thoughtful frame of mind.
"Yes, I think I saw a raindrop. It won't be long now."
Right here is where most men fail. Simply because the first round is over does not mean, by any stretch of the imagination, the issue is put to rest. I can sum up the next move in one word - vamoose.
In other words, disappear. Remember the old saying, "Out of sight, out of chores"?
Find something to get you out of the line of fire. There is always a chance - slim though it is - the Missus will get busy with something else and forget.
By Thursday, I forgot the car washing idea and was standing around our living room looking out the window. It seemed harmless enough.
Have you heard the old saying, "An idle husband is a wife's workhorse?"
I heard those familiar words beginning with "Honey ..." And a streak of panic flowed through my body, freezing up every muscle I still had. "Honey, our car really needs a good washing."
Now, that was bad enough and I think I could have worked out something else except - before I could clear my throat, she added a phrase no husband wants to hear. "Don't you agree?"
If I say, "No," I am in trouble.
If I say, "Yes," I am in trouble.
I am duped if I do not and doped if I do. How is a husband to win with the odds so stacked against him?
With a feigned meekness that would make St. Francis of Assisi envious, I said what all good husbands say under similar conditions, "Yes, Dear."
The next three hours found me outside, vigorously washing Old Nelly. As I washed her, I could feel someone (I am not mentioning any names) watching from our living room window.
The smile on my face camouflaged the clenched teeth behind it.
Just as I was putting the finishing touches on the wax job, I felt something cold on the back of my neck. At first, being engrossed in my chore, I did not pay any attention to it.
Then another - and another - and another. Then came the rain.
I glanced at my freshly waxed car and saw drops of water cheerfully dancing on my mirrored hood.
The thunder sounded like a heavenly giggle and before I could make it to the door, I was completely drenched.
Ducking inside out of the rain, I was greeted by my wife who calmly asked, "Oh, my. Is it raining?"
"Of course it's raining," I shivered, "I've just washed my car."
As I was drying off, I chuckled to myself as a favorite Bible verse came to mind.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28 KJV.)
Two things in life are for certain.
One: things will always fall apart.
Two: God can always take those things that fall apart and pull them together for His honor and glory - come rain or shine.